Well, this is a first. I think. Or is it? I know there was one year where someone pretty big dropped out late, and Beck came to save the day. I also seem to remember that Goldenvoice was trying to get some major act as a headliner that fell through at the last minute, and had to go whining with their tails between their legs to Red Hot Chili Peppers, but it was BEFORE the poster came out. Another shocker was Prince snagging the headlining spot from Portishead just days before the 2008 show (2008 was also just the second time the festival was a three-day affair).
But nothing this big has ever happened this late.
And so the rumor mill starts up, slinging shit full steam ahead like some mixed metaphor dopeman working at a McDonalds in Gary, Indiana. Here's our take on the rumors:
Daft Punk - Never gonna happen. For all the whining pussies who lament Daft Punk "never" playing Coachella, YOU MISSED THEM. They packed the Sahara tent in 2006 and THEY WERE AMAZING. And you missed them.
Red Hot Chili Peppers - I pray to GOD, ALLAH, BUDDAH, MOHAMMED, and THE FLYING SPAGHETTI MONSTER that this won't happen. Coachella finally stepped out of the box just a tiny bit this year with Beyonce, and it would suck the biggest balls available to backslide to these guys just because they're convenient and could be there quicker than many other choices. I'd rather watch Kurt Cobain's hologram bugger Sly Stone for 80 minutes than have to sit through an RHCP set at this stage in their "career."
Rhianna - Now we're talkin'. Not only is she the rumored artist closest in many ways to Queen Bey, she's pants-soakingly smoking hot. She was rumored to headline before B's name was printed on the flyer, but one can only hope she's available and willing to step in and make things suck less for everyone who really, really wanted to see Mrs. Knowles
this year (she's headlining 2018, which makes this the earliest we've ever known about a headliner for the festy).
Katy Perry - She would also be awesome. And is hot. Plus, she wrote like 9 out of every 10 songs you've heard for like the last 50 years, so you can sing along (or preferably, shut the fuck up and watch her in silence).
Justin Timberlake - I used to think I hated this guy, until I listened to him. Turns out I love him. My main problem with him for this spot is that he's got a penis.
Adele - Who doesn't love Adele? She sells out every show she does, her tickets are on the order of several hundred dollars and a testicle, and she's one of the biggest stars and best singers out there. Which is why it's not going to happen. Too bad, I'd love to see her if I could keep my Benjamins (and my boys) in tact.
Lady Gaga - Wow, this would be something, wouldn't it? Hopefully she won't do too much country shit, but if they wanted to, GV could just book her the following weekend for Stagecoach too, and let her go whole hog with that. Actually, the one song I heard didn't suck too much, so overall I'd much prefer her to a lot of Paul Tollett potential picks that would portray a poking of my pee-pee with a pine cone.
Jay Z - Oh, come the fuck on. Just because he's her husband? Really?? Totally unimaginative idea, and if it actually goes through would at least mean we could go back to the hotel and start drinking earlier on Saturday night / Sunday morning, so it wouldn't be all bad.
Kanye West - I really liked My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy, and I kinda liked 808s and Heartbreak. But Kanye West is one of the most disgusting, idiotic, ridiculous pieces of shit that ever tried to pass for a human being in the history of time. And that includes Shit Man.
There are a few other rumors out there, but really, the fact that just about every single site out there (including this shitty one) is talking about the same 5-10 artists shows you how truly awful the state of music is these days. At least at the top. Coachella hasn't been about the headliners for me for quite some time, so if you're pissed off about this situation, just listen to some of the undercard acts and discover some new music.
