79 Days 'til Coachella - The Headliners

The Poster, version 1.0 - which promises will be broken this year?

I never thought we'd have to settle for weekend 2.  And I never thought they'd have a lineup that approached the craptacular one they smacked us with like a wet bag of vomit back in 2011.  And, I never thought that despite this, I'd be so bummed when I thought we weren't even going to get the makeup weekend passes.

But all that's changed.

And yeah, at this point, it's not even about the music so much as it is about the tradition, the religion, the post-Coachella glow that makes me believe people don't totally fucking suck for seven full days after the festy.  It's the anticipation, the hunting down of new artists (or new to me), and, of course, the adult diaper full of fucking swear words I get to write every winter.

OK, so first impressions:

Headliners

AC/DC

Say it with me now:  WHAT THE FUCK!?!?!  More like FU/FM.  I'll let you figure out what that means.  It's about the mystique anymore anyway.  Did they drag out these geriatric prunes because they couldn't get the Rolling $tones again? Seriously.  I saw them twice back in my regretful mullet phase.  Don't get me wrong, they rocked, bro, but after an afternoon in the Detroit sun counting how many times the goddamn People Mover slides by and drinking under-the-well vodka, anything sounds amazing. 

But seriously, can Brian Johnson even sing anymore?  And of course, this begs the obvious question, could he ever?

Jack White

Well, here's something that will get those emo assholes to bring out their white belts for.  Just what we need.  I mean, represent for Detroit, I'll give him that.  And supposedly dude's a motherfucker on the guitar, so maybe he's talented.  But I just don't like the music.  What specifically, you ask?

Well, it's the shitty sound it makes when it comes out of my awesome speakers, that's what.

He was in a movie with Jimmy Page and The Edge (don't get me started on U-fucking-2), so that's a thing.  Maybe Jimmy is like really, really broke.  I mean, just because you used to be in Led Zepplin doesn't mean you've got shitloads of money.  It just means you used to have shitloads of money.

Well hell, now that I've said that, let's start a rumor:

JIMMY PAGE AND THE EDGE WILL BE ON STAGE WITH JACK WHITE!  You heard it here first!  Oh, and they'll be wearing The Gimp getups from Pulp Fiction.  No music, just interpretive dance.

There. I've done my civic duty for the day.

Drake

Ugh.  I guess this is the new formula.  Get everyone out early on Sunday.  I actually don't mind Drake as a hip-hop or rap guy or whatever.  However, this spot could be better filled by, well, anyone else but the Red Hot Chili Peppers.  I guess I should be thankful.  We'll get to go back to our (even shittier than in previous years) motel and get our drank on a little early.

Anyway, definitely not the most disappointing lineup, but probably the second-most disappointing lineup.  Still, there are some great gems in there I know about, and I'm sure some I don't yet know about.

Suggestions?